Treedophile (A TwlightRound the Twist mashup fic – rated M for mpreg)
by forestpossum
Summary: Remember that episode of Round the Twist where the boy gets preggo by weeing on a tree? (Called "The Big Burp" FYI, and worth a watch on Youtube: /watch?v hknKRfvz1vU ) Well, this story is a mashup between that, and the beautiful relationship between Bella and Edward of the Twilight Saga. Fangz for reading! 11


Treedophile (A Twlight/Round the Twist mashup fic – rated M for mpreg)

Remember that episode of Round the Twist where the boy gets preggo by weeing on a tree? (Called "The Big Burp" FYI, and worth a watch on Youtube: watch?v=hknKRfvz1vU )

Well, this story is a mashup between that, and the beautiful relationship between Bella and Edward of the Twilight Saga. Fangz for reading! 11

Chapter 1

Edward was in the forest, looking at the tree. The tree was looking back at him, he was sure of it. He thought he saw it winking at him. No, surely not. But he was getting some kind of vibe from it... The tree was different from Bella – it had more personality somehow. Like it understood him. And furthermore, he didn't thirst for its blood. They were on equal ground, and he liked it.

Suddenly, he felt an urge in his groin. He had to urinate. But the nearest toilet was at Bella's house! And he certainly didn't want to go there. They'd had a fight last night over the fact that she wanted to jump him, but he wanted to get married first. It was so damn awkward.

Edward's burning desire to pee suddenly overwhelmed him and he sprayed all over the tree in a moment of pure release. "Ooh," the tree said, shivering with unexpected pleasure.

"You felt it too?" Edward demanded intensely.

"Oh yes," the tree whispered provocatively back at him, wiggling its shiny round acorns in his direction.

"But... but...but... I have a girlfriend," Edward mumbled awkwardly.

"That's a lot of buts," said the tree, raising a leafy eyebrow.

"Only three," Edward countered.

"It's too late for buts, princess," the tree argued... "The deed is done."

"Um... ok... this is getting weird," said Edward, "I'm going back to my girlfriend's house now... I'm hungry, and she is begging to be eaten. Literally."

"What are you, a cannibal?"

"No... something much scarier. I'm a vampire."

Chapter 2

When Edward got back to Bella's house, all he could think about was the weird exchange with that flirty little tree in the forest. Had he cheated on Bella? He didn't think so – he'd only needed the toilet. Yet something in his mind told him that he'd made a very grave mistake... even if it had felt amazing at the time.

"What's on your mind, Eddycakes?" Bella asked in a syrupy voice. She was trying to make amends for her earlier sexual aggression.

"Umm... blood..." Edward improvised.

"Typical," Bella said, rolling her eyes.

It was a lie. Edward was thinking about the tree, and only the tree. "Bella..." Edward began, thinking he probably needed to apologise, but as soon as he opened his mouth, he felt nausea rising and knew he had to shut it again, or vomit would erupt all over his girlfriend.

He made it to the bathroom just in time, spewing his vampire guts in and around the toilet bowl.

_Hmm... didn't know I could still do that, _Edward thought. _Most unvampirey_. _Maybe that blood I took from that forest possum last night didn't agree with me... _He briefly considering calling Carlisle, but thought better of it. He didn't want to worry him – it was probably just a tummy ache.

Back in Bella's room, he sat down on the bed, and Bella noticed that he looked even paler than usual.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Nothing a drink of lemonade wouldn't solve," he said without thinking. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a cool glass of that sweet, bubbly liquid, and it was exactly what he needed. He couldn't explain the strange feeling of craving that suddenly possessed him, for something other than Bella's blood.

"Lemonade?" she asked, raising her bushy eyebrows. They were bushy, but not in the literal way, like the leafy wonders he had happened across in the forest earlier. Damn, he needed to stop comparing them.

"Did I say lemonade? I meant blood. Mmm, blood," Edward rubbed his tummy and licked his beautiful, silvery lips. Bella watched, dazzled.

"You want some?" Bella offered her neck to Edward.

"God Bella, why do you always assume that's what I want? Why can't you just accept that I'm not in the mood? I don't feel pretty today – okay? I'm not sparkly enough, and I never will be."

Edward's eyes began to well up with tears. He didn't even know where they had come from. He hadn't cried in over 100 years; he didn't know it was still possible for him. But there they were, obvious as a big, red firetruck screaming EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.

"Why are you so emotional all of a sudden, Eddyweddykins? Why are you being such a sap? Are you on your period or something?!"

"No... Oh my God... I was meant to start 5 minutes ago... I'm... I'm late Bella."

"BUT YOU WON'T EVEN DO ME!" Bella screamed. "HAVE YOU BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE EDFORDSHIRE? HAVE YOU?"

"No Bellaphant... I would never do that to you..."

"Edward," Bella said quietly... "What's that in your hair?"

"What? Nothing..." Edward said quickly, his slender pale fingers combing through his tousled bronze locks. But then they settled upon something hard and sticky...

A stick.

Chapter 3

"How did that get there?" Bella asked, suspiciously.

"I was taking a walk, through the forest..." Edward explained. "And then I came across this tree... and... nothing happened," he quickly added, his eyes shifting from side to side in a most shady fashion.

"If nothing happened, why are her twigs in your hair?" Bella demanded. "Just how close did you get to this tree?"

"We didn't get close... I just needed a wazz... I swear it didn't mean anything. I was thinking of you the whole time..."

"You were thinking about me during a wee?" Bella gasped, horrified. It was just about the most unromantic thing she could think of. Was Edward no longer attracted to her?

"It was a very sexy wee," Edward began, but Bella cut in...

"No Edward, there's nothing sexy about weeing on a tree, unless you're some kind of tree-pervert! I want nothing to do with this sordid treedophilic tryst! You know what... just get the hell out of my bedroom, before you start ogling my Arizona cactus collection..." she snarled.

Edward hung his head in shame. Even while Bella was speaking, he was thinking about the feeling of leaves on his naked skin, and the memory of all that foliage – a new and unexplored terri-tree he was longing to delve into.

"Fine, I'll leaf you alone Bella, but I'll be bark tomorrow when you've decided to stop acting like such a birch."

"You're obsessed with trees aren't you? I don't know how I didn't tree it before! God damn it now I'm doing it too..."

"I've branched out... maybe it's time for you to do the same." And with that, Edwood was gone.

Chapter 4

Edwood was examining his visage in the mirror. He was looking a little peaky... his skin had an ethereal, green tinge to it. A suspicion formed in Edwood's mind, like a seed taking root... could it be that his tree encounter had been more than just a sexy wee? Had it left him _with sapling_?

Just at that moment, there came a rustling at his bedroom window. Edwood turned and was filled with a blossoming arousal at the sight of her... it was his sexy wooden lover, come home at last.

"You found me," Edwood cried out in longing, "I thought I'd never tree you again!"

"I would never abandon my child..."

"So, it's true," Edwood gasped, "You've planted your special seed inside my vampiric womb... and in my heart."

"Yes... you will give birth to a baby unlike any other... a vampire-tree hybrid. He will change the world... uniting those traditional enemies – the undead , and those of the plant kingdom... and you will name him... _Treesus_!"

Edwood suddenly felt Treesus sprouting inside his vampiric womb.

"How long does a tree/vampire pregnancy normally last?" Edward asked.

"Normally a week or so..." the tree started to explain, but Edward suddenly lunged forward as if he were about to be sick, and green leaves started to cascade from his undead lips.

Chapter 5

"Alas, I am mist-_acorn_," the tree lamented; "And so it begins... the birth of Treesus."

"Wrhats ghapening to tree?" Edwood tried to speak through a mouthful of thick foliage.

"Your tree hole is 2cm dilated," the tree explained, "It won't be long now..."

And it wasn't.

Edwood held the tiny green sprig in his cold, dead arms, and smiled a dazzling, motherly smile. The sprig sparkled back at him. It was a beautiful sprig – sparkly as polished wood, and green as the meadow where Edwood first fell, like timber, for his Bella-Italia.

_Bella_. How could he have forgotten her? He was blinded with love for his arboreal off-sprig, he couldn't see the wood for the trees. What would Bella think of him now that he had mothered another woman's child?

Just as if he had summoned her with his mind, Bella marched through the door, her face like a gnarled old oak.

"What the hell have you done, Ed,Edd &Eddy? How could you germinate this dogwood little weed?"

"He has a name!" Edward cried, gothically; "It's Tressus. And, just look at him Bellissimo... you'll change your mind."

The bushy browed human looked down at the leafy bundle in Eddington's arms, and she felt him take root in her heart. How could she hate something so small and twiggy? He was adorably arboreal.

"So, what do you say Bellarina? Will you be the maTREEarch of our little orchard? Will you TREEt Treesus as one of your own? Our family tree has only just begun... together we can germinate an arboretum."

"I wood love to, Edwood. I've been pining for you since you left my bedroom 10 minutes ago, and I want you to know that my love for you is evergreen."

"As is mine, Bellarus," Edwood concluded.

And the tree, and Treesus, and Edwood, and Bella-TREEx-Lestrange live happily ever arbour, forever and forever and forever.

The End.


End file.
